Burnin' every bridge that I cross, to find some beautiful place to get lost

So there are plenty of those days where you wake up and you wonder, "Why do I even bother?" Today has just been one of those days. I knew today was going to be off as soon as I woke up. Just as I was taking in my first cognescent and awakening breaths of good old cold air because I forgot to close my window, and I knew, somehow, today was going to make me want to never get up again.

School has me so down. I remember when I could actually sort of enjoy, or, well, at least appriciate going to some assemblance of normalicy for 7 hours a day, but I get to school and I feel like everyone has just lost there originality and everyone is the mold of the Kid A - Model student, or Kid B - Outsider or Failing child. I don't really know where I fit in.

I never have had a place to fit. The few people I can really say i "fit in" with have either already died, forgot about me, or chose one of the molds to fit into. Because I never lost my originality in stuck in the mental haze they always warned us about from not conforming. I'm a computer nerd questioning my actually abilities everyday thinking I'm never good enough for any purpose or anything, and I'm the kid who knows that I will also not fit into any college structure.

Today, school sucked, work sucked, home sucked, my car broke, and I feel like my friend base is very limited. It was one of those days where I wanted to just never come out of my room. I thought a lot today, and the reason I never consider death as an option to any of it is because I'm deathly affraid of it. What is the whole fucking point of death if there is nothing after it. I'm your perfect example of a man suffering from Angst. Søren Aabye Kierkegaard says that Angst is the problem of man. The fear of nothing. Misinterpreted you'd think it means having no fear but it is indeed what I am affraid of. What happens after? What happens if i never amout to anything? What happens if my worst fears come true? So we all rush around to make ourselves feel happy and big. But I don't. I still feel small and insignifigant. I feel like nothing I do matters and nothing I do is ever right. I'm a big screw up, a waste of life an everyone would be better without me.


On top of all that, my reoccuring nightmare problem has once more resurfaced. I was told that I should deal with this problem, but can't. I am now strating to believe my sister about that time when she said i was screaming wildly in the middle of the night because last night I found myself half whining, and half panting like iw as runing from someone or like the horror had just ended. They're also getting harder to remember the next morning. I just kind of wake up now. I dont really know if that's a bad thing.


One day I would love to just wake up and maybe skip all of this until I get to the good Part. A married life with kids and a two car garage. A home on the water and possibly a trampoline in the back and a sail boat on a mooring. I dont think they're outrageous requests. I know just that kind of simple unhectic tax-paying law-biding citezen's life would be awsome for me. This adolescent indescision is driving me crazy.