It doesn't matter what you say, I know what I am anyway

So basically this is another "I'm an asshole enrty." I just don't get it. I care too much, I care to little. I'm never there, I'm always there. I'm just no good. There are so many rules, and precedents that i have to follow. I'm just trying ot be there best person i can be. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I miss her, so i try and show her that by being concerned and doing all that i can, but it doesnt work. I'm over obsesive, i get carried away.

I have everything i want, but my actions keep throwing everything away. It's a constant push and a pull, and i can't seem to sort it out, and she gets caught in the middle, and gets annoyed and gets frustrated. It's almost like clutching a clump of sand in my hand, i have it all right there, but the tighter and hard i try and hold it there, the faster it slips through my fingers. my actions are pushing her away.