I Feel a Question of Your Loneliness

My mom is absolutely crazy. Yup, that's right, flat out nuts. Everyone know's it, it's just that no one ever says anything. Well I'm saying it now. If my mom cared as much as she says she does, then she would understand what makes me happy, and keep her mouth shut so she doesn't publically make a fool of herself.

ready for a break

UUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

i just want school to be over like now. My mom won't let me stay out tomarrow and i want to shoot myself because of all the stress from school and work. My head hurts, my guitar needs new strings, i have no money, and i can't sleep at night anymore. ususally it's just because December is a bad time of month.

My grandma has ovarian cancer, and that type of cancer spreads really really quick and the doctors said that she has about six months, and they were being optimistic when they told us that. Her diabetes, and alhiemerz coupled with the cancer is just killing her so quick. It's so bad to see such a good, happy woman being cut down when she doesnt deserve it.

I Really Don't Think It Gets Any Better Than This

So... THIS WEEKEND WAS AWSUM. Guess what I did? You'll never get this.... HUNG OUT WITH BRIT!!

Yeah, it was awsome. I just hung around and held her all weekend. It was awsome. There's like this unexplainable feeling of happiness when I'm holding her. It's like everything else is cool, and I don't care about anything else because for that short period of time, everything is just as it should be and nothing else matters. I'm there, she's there, and we love eachother. So that's all I need.

Today was my birthday.
She got me a portable 40's radio for my birthday!!! so now we have a radio for when we go to the beach
My mom gave me cashmere lined leather driving gloves and a blue and orange old navy goose down vest
my dad gave me my radar detector (but that was a little while ago)
My sister had her nutcracker performance. that was boring.
we went out to dinner with my dad and then sue left to go to a play and i had to take him home. which is always sort of difficult since my car is so small and when he got there he wanted to scale the stairs himself which is really nerve racking. but it does not appear that he is mad at me any longer.

i'm still reviewing my weekend and enjoying what i did. Hanging out with brit is so much fun. i didnt know what i had until i lost her. But now she's back, so i'm making sure that she never leaves again. I'm working very hard on that. because i love her a lot.

The door is open, come on inside

So yeah, I don't get it. I guess I never will. I wanted her back so much. I tried so hard. But agan, after the way I handled things... I think she's gone, with no hope of coming back this time. I had my chance to start over and I blew it.

SHe let the dream go, and the promises broke, the make believe ran out.

Soooo, I'm a jerk. It's over. she ended it. but there's a glimmer of hope. no no, she won't take me back. she'll give me something better, an opportunity to go back. everything i did wrong i can make right. this could be either a really good thing, or it's going to come crashing down around me. i guess it's that way with everything in my life. she doesnt believe what i say anymore.

All this talk of getting older, it's getting me down my son, like a cat in a bag, waiting to drown, this time I'm coming out

Well, once more my asshole instinct kicked in. Yup, I was mad because i couldn't go out. I said some things I didn't mean. My dad really is great. It's amazing that my actions haven't given him a heart attack yet. But after tonight, he's so mad because I shot right for his nuts, that I don't really know what's going to happen. Everyone always tells me what the heck to do and i get so angry. They leave all these big adult business descisions to me, and exploit my driving skill. But when it comes to do doing a lot of things that I want, my mom explodes and says no. "Your never home." she says, well maybe because I'm busy working for you and shuttling my sister around. So any extra time i have really doesn't want to be spent doing more house work. Usually that's about the time where my dad kicks in and says "let the s.o.b. go out." Sometimes it works and soemtimes it doesn't. Well that's what happened today. I abused my privelage and then wasn't allowed to go out tonight, and yelled at him when it's not his fault. He's only talking to all of us over the phone, and when you're talking to my mom, you could swear to god that she might jump through that reciever. Well, i was pretty hurtful. I said what he says doesnt matter. It does. He's my dad. It's not his fault he isnt here. he could be if he would. I was an ass. I must have sounded so much like my mother because he yelled at me like he yelled at mom. i had no place to do that. even if i make a lot of adult descisions, he's still my dad. and i still love him.

I cant just stay here every yesterday

So I stood out sick today. I stood home all day. I really needed a day off. I just kept quite and soaked a lot of things in and sat and thought and straightened things out. My head is in a really good place. Everything was whizzing around me at like 20598459837 mph and i was lashing out and being really dumb and mean toward people. so being sick was probably really good for me. especially since it was only a day or two thing and i feel better, loads better.

Jonny C burnt out his clutch today. I picked up Justin from school since he was doing nothing and i was just gonna hang out with him, but he told me that Jonny tried starting to go up a hill in 3rd gear and heard some wierd tapping noise from the engine? So i caught Jonny C just before he went into practice and stole his keys (he didn't want to give them up because he knew i'd find something wrong with the car). So Justin and i went out to the car and started the A4 up. Well, that acrid type smell (you know, the infamous burnt clutch smell) came from the vents and it wouldnt go in gear. this had happened to me once before in Brit's dad's 5-series, so i knew what was going on, the clutch was burnt dry. So i called JC's dad, but i think he's going to die when he gets out of practice. Tony sounded pretty mad.

It doesn't matter what you say, I know what I am anyway

So basically this is another "I'm an asshole enrty." I just don't get it. I care too much, I care to little. I'm never there, I'm always there. I'm just no good. There are so many rules, and precedents that i have to follow. I'm just trying ot be there best person i can be. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I miss her, so i try and show her that by being concerned and doing all that i can, but it doesnt work. I'm over obsesive, i get carried away.

I have everything i want, but my actions keep throwing everything away. It's a constant push and a pull, and i can't seem to sort it out, and she gets caught in the middle, and gets annoyed and gets frustrated. It's almost like clutching a clump of sand in my hand, i have it all right there, but the tighter and hard i try and hold it there, the faster it slips through my fingers. my actions are pushing her away.

This is the place where time reverses

So today i fell on the ice at school and seriously hurt myself. I was limping all day, and up until about and hour ago it really really hurt to walk without that limp. Now I started walking normally, but I have a sharp pain and it's extremely soar when I sit down. And the swelling went down. My hip and left leg were all swollen. I'm taking a break from homework to bitch about how my school forgot to put icemelt down and my car went fly accross the parking lot and my ass went into the ground. Just think for a second, if i could;ve broken my arm, then i could have sued their asses.

My girlfriend hasnt been feeling well. she has a swim meet tomarrow, but she wont tell me where it is. I went to see the lasalle football game last night, and saw my cousin mike standing in one of those goofy jackets. Brit was there. It was really cold. The snow didnt pull through enough. we still had school.... damn.

peace all in blogger land

I can't complain, but you should never react the way you did

So this morning i woke up early because my mom needed help carrying in the tree, so about an hour ago, i got up threw some pants and shoes on, and took the tree in. It sounds easy, but no, my mom had to get the biggest fattest tree she could find. so the tree wont even fit through the front door. Then we had to walk this big, awkward, fat tree all the way around the house onto the back deck/sun room area where our tree goes every year. it was such a pain in the ass, it barely even fit through that door.

Last night was fun. I got to hang out with my girlfriend and that individual who is attached to her hip, lucy, and the three of us just kind of went to warwick mall (i forgot why, i think it's becuase the two of them love underwear shopping?) and then just avoided going back to brit's house so they didnt have to clean up the mess from jackie's party.

This morning i have no clue what's going on. Ususally i spend the entire sunday with brit, and we just kick back and relax from the hectic week. It sounds like she's planning a girls day today, so i don't really want to go becuase when we had an argument once, she mentioned that all her friends thinks that she spends too much time with me, so I dont want her to get yelled at because I'm there. I just want her to be happy. She get's yelled at an awful lot, the last people she needs it from are her friends, and more importantly, me. She mentioned that she had to go pick her freinds up, so if she has her car, and i sense some bad vibes comming off her friends do to my presence, i can just leave. she probably won't be too happy if i leave, but it's better than letting her get yelled at by them.

5 months

So today makes it 5 months, and i can't say that i have been much happier than during these last five months.

but worked sucked today, and i have a headache.