I let you down

I let you down,
And as your head spun round,
I was no where to be found,
I'm sorry, I failed.

Away in the big city,
Where you think those streets are pretty,
I can't get to your location that quickly,
I'm sorry for letting you down.

My heart cries,
It's matching the tears in my eyes,
Can anyone see that I'll die?
If I can't have you I'll cease to be.



I thought I had everything worked out... when did things get so messed up? I keep crying whenever I get a free minute because I cant cry in front of other people. Idk why, I just can't. =( I thought I could do it. I thought I could be there, but in the end I'm here alone. She's out tonight, and I'm glad she's trying to have a good time and not siting here wasting away like I am. I feel like not only do I realize how bad I failed, but I let someone else down and then every once in a while I keep thinking about how much I let that other person down and I jsut want to crawl into a hole and die for hurting her. It's one thing to get my own hopes up and then fail, but to get her hopes up and then let her down is just wrong, and I feel like i do it all the time. I want to be better, but I just keep fucking up and idk how to be better.

College and the New World

Hi Internets,

SO, I'm well aware that it's been a long time since I've updated, but like every other return from blogger sabbatical I'm saying that I'm going to try blogging more often: like once a week at least.

Since the last time I posted, I've turned eighteen, been in two car accidents: one) where some asshole rammed me off the road, and two) where I lost hydro-planed, losing control across two lanes of traffic and then slamming into a wall, spinning back into traffic and then crash landing right in front of a rock, almost, however, not making contact with any other cars. I was interesting. I'm also in college now. I go to RWU in Bristol. I know, i said i would never go to school in state, I don't know what happened.

I am no longer in a band, we just kind of disbanded because of my spotty performance. Chris and Kyle always deserved better than what I could give them anyway. I'm sure they just kept me on staff as band bassist because they felt bad for me or knew that I just like being in a band, even if I stink it up a ton. I gotta say, those boys are a lot better than me. I know Chris is at PC and having fun, and I haven't talked to Kyle in a while. I just hope everyone is okay.

Brittany and I are still together and happy as ever... okay, well, maybe I lied a little there. We are both actually currently missing each other a lot and this college separation is really hard. I know what I feel and what I want, and breaking up with Brit before I went to college like everyone else was doing with their girlfriends was just stupid. I couldn't do it because I care about her a ton, and I would never want to be without her. So what if she isn't within 12 miles of me like before; I still love her and that's all that should matter.

Finishing high school and going through college has taught me a few things. One, you can't win. no matter how hard you try or how right you are, it is always about that guy in front of you or authoritative figure in front of you, and rebellion lands you in jail or expelled or just out of the loop. I'm still an individual, but Mrs. T and Mrs. B ruined my life essentially. I could be at BU or something like that if it weren't for those horrible miserable teachers.

It's like that Allstate commercial, Life comes at you fast. But what can you do about it. I think for every curve ball life decided to through at me, i just dealt with and didn't think anything of it, or at least that's what i thought. But now I'm getting a well rounded education and preparing for a career, and my career opportunities may not have been as secure as they were before. I guess RWU is a good enough school because my parrents keep telling me how proud they are of me, and i feel like i could do much better. And I feel like if they could see what I see and now what I know about this place, maybe they wouldn't be so proud. I mean, my dream major that was supposed to be a great new program that was gaining momentum and almost at an Ivy School style level turned out to not even be accredited.

With that aside, life has been a little bit better to me lately. My parents let up last weekend and I got to drive to New York. It was nice to go out there and visit Brit. It made me really happy to see her because it had been the longest four weeks not seeing her. She is in a reall pretty part of the city and she's only about three blocks from ground zero so she's in a safer part of the city where she's totally locked down. It makes me feel a little bit better not only when i go to visit but just that she's in a safer part of the dangerous city. I worry about her a lot.


Well, It's time for bed. I'll be posting soon.

I'm still in a state of complete shock

So last night, I was under the impression that I was just going out for dinner with Brit and Julie, but instead I ended up going out to dinner with some of my friends for a aurprise birthday party, just for me. I cant sa much because I'm still in a state of complete shock. It was deffinately the best birthday present I've gotten in my entire life.

Changes Comin' are way, just like a new day

So school stresses me out.

Do yourself a favor, and pack your bags; buy a ticket, and get on the train.

So today was rough. Really rough. I dont know why but I reviewed my life in whole and how much i miss my grandma. It seems like, though, as bad as things get there's always one good thing that makes things better. everything was good for a while, and things just went wrong today, but i got to go out and then things were better.

So grandma was great. she was there when my parrents couldnt be. i dont know if it was because there were being selfish or because they just legitametly couldnt handle everything when they had marriage trouble, my grandma just always seemed to be there. I should have been there for her. I feel like some of my motivation was lost when she died, but it's turned on again by other great people so i broke even, i guess.

There are verry few people I consider important enough to be vital for my existance and two of them are gone. I really hope the other ones are ok. they're all stressed and all on the edge.

You can not kick start a dead horse, you'll just crush yourself and walk away

So Lots has happened since I last update. Life has had its fair share of intersting twists and turns and has sent me through a ton of up and down days throughout this month. It'sactually kind of amazing.

I've got a lot to talk about at therapy this week. it's been a really hectic two weeks. my grandma being gone is a huge loss. i hate not having her around. i really miss my grandma. i kaugh it off and try to be funny, but it's really killing me that she's not here anymore. especially since i wasn't there for her the one time she needed me there. Even if it was only to say it would be ok and that everything was alright, i wasnt there and i feel like a huge disrespectful ungrateful asshole.

On the road to nowhere

Everyday I go blindly into the world without a care or a clue and I submerge myself into the problems at hand and the work that is presented to me, but today and yesterday, something just occured to me. I always knew it deep down, but I was too busy to realize it and then I had time to think about it when my truck wouldn't start. My life as an individual: I'm in a dead-end job with no room to go up and I tapped out my one and only pay incerease from it. I was forced to work there because my blood relative needed the help. I'm so stressed out that I can't follow my dreams, if I was ever given the propper environment I wouldnt have to worry about college, I would just get in. On top of that, I have no money because shit breaks too often, and I feel like I never have as much money as any of my friends or anyone around me and I'm always spending it. So I come up with great ideas like my new business plan in my head and I could do it all by myself and see a great turn around, but I dont have the capital ro get it started. Because of that, i get frustrated, throw my hands up, and start back at the beginin of this analyzation.

On the personal relationship side of things I seem to be doing much better. I have friends, but that's kind of hit or miss on which ones are my friends that week given the circumstances. For the most part I have a core group that seems somewhat pivitol to me. I also have a girlfriend who I feel sometimes is the glue holding me together. She always makes me feel better, and seems to always know how to say the right things when I need to hear them.

So what's my point? Does money make you happy? Who knows. I don't know if I could by more friends or if more stuff would make me feel better. Brit always makes me feel amazing, and you can't buy love like that. Today money would have helped a lot. It would probably have made all last week better and maybe the previous couple of days and fourth coming days. It all just goes back to the fact that I'll never know what I want and keep fucking up my own life and dreams. Whatever. It's time to do some homework.